The Rest of Thailand in a Nutshell by Filipe Martins

The Rest of Thailand in a Nutshell

As self proclaimed Chief Editor of this blog I am writing to apologise for not having written anything sooner. There are many in and outs and what have you and so will not go into it. After Chiangmai we went to Ko Samui which is an island in the south about 10mins away from the Koh Pagnan where the full moon antics occur. The bus took a whole day and saturated my tolerance for bus transportation so now I am pretty limited as I do not want to see another train (due to India) or a bus. Flying is definitely the way forward maybe not according to green activists who maybe monitoring my carbon footprint. One message to you tree hugging crazy people kiss my kulu.

Upon arrival to Ko Samui we asked the taxi to take us to a hotel etc (cheap and cheerful). The taxi driver sounded desperate in taking us and lowered his rates astonishingly low. I realized on route why. He owed a considerable amount in petrol fees to the local “gas” station as he asked that we pay upfront as well as running on empty the entire journey. We ended up getting a bungalow beside the beach, it was really nice for the 12 GBP we paid. After catching a few well needed zzzzzzzz we set out on exploring the island. Ko Samui is strange the beaches are amazing, long white sandy beaches with turquoise water. However it has been ruined by all the concrete hotels that have been put up all in the name of commercial enterprise. Ah yes should I mention the fact that it is package holiday central. There is a huge strip something similar to San Anton, Cyprus and most probably the infamous Shangluff (magaluf). A strip of filth and sin being practiced upon the hour, lights everywhere. The amount of aussies would make a pub in Southfields look like a tiny gathering in comparison. Last but not least the prostitutes have an innovative way to catch their customers or should I say cliental. Whilst sitting in a bar having a cold Chang I was approached by a beautiful local, hmmm I say to myself this is strange. A “hello my name is Lisa” followed and out of nowhere she manages to produce a full size connect 4 set. I had not played connect 4 for soo long I decided to take her up on her challenge. Let me start by telling you that she must play a hell of a lot and that she should take this up as a career. If there are such a thing as professional connect 4 players. She was unbelievable taking a 6 to 0 lead on my dumbfounded ass. Ok I realised her game pretty quickly but my competitiveness prevailed I was only focused on reducing the deficit and to be victorious. I managed to go on a 4 win streak until we were rudely interrupted by a bar man asking me if I was thirsty. The young lady asked for a cocktail and I a beer. I suddenly realised I was being had, she ordered the most expensive drink in the bar, well it sounded bloody expensive. When the barman returned I saw on the tray the requested cold Chang and a very colourful drink with more umbrellas than a beach in peak season in the Algarve. Infact it looked more like a fruit salad to be honest. I told the barman I was married and that I simply wanted to play connect 4, he replied “ohhh hmmm ok just pay half” I saw this as a lucky escape and handed over the wad of cash.

That was the night I was introduced to the famous Thai bucket. Ok it cannot be emphasized enough at this point (sorry for Z instead of S but this version of word in USA so suck it up guys) just how LETHAL these bad boys are. I went to the bar and asked for a whisky bucked the bar lady fetched a childs sand beach bucket and filled it with ice and cola. I then wondered if this whiskey cola drink actually took any whiskey she saw the expression on my face and told me in an assuring tone and a smile “don’t worry its coming”. A medium size bottle of Teachers whiskey appeared, at this point I was wondering how many shots of whiskey go into these famous buckets. Well the whole bottle was poured I was bamboozled. All this for 5 GBP, it is ridiculous. Well the next day hangover was just as lethal as the buckets. We were all in pain neither one braving the sunlight making sure we were deeply embedded into the duvets.

Full moon party just 48 hours to go. Hmmm we had a great idea lets take the short boat ride to koh pagnan and see where the party will be held etc get our bearings. OF course the plan was to have a quiet one. I was warned that the pre parties are better than the full moon party something that I actually agree with in all honestly. We arrived in Koh Pagnan around 10 pm I came up with an idea of getting a beach hut so as not to return to Koh Samui but to have somewhere on the island to catch some shut eye. At the port a man said he knew a place where they just might have a free hut available as everything was fully booked in the centre. We caught a small boat around the island as this beach is only accessible by boat. This for me was an incredible experience, the moon was out in its full force which produced just enough light allowing us to make out the cliff faces and various features along the island coast. The boat ride lasted 15 mins or so, there was water splashing into the boat and with the moon reflecting off the what seemed a never ending ocean I have to admit coming traveling seemed worth it if not for that view. The taxi driver was funny and whitty constantly talking. We met a really friendly guy traveling also, he was a racer (I think motorbikes) pretty famous I think. We got a great deal and a nice hut just as I had imagined. We set out to Hadrin beach where the full moon party would be held the following day, I noticed that there was no aircon unit in the hut but I simply was too excited to point out my observation and we caught the taxi boat back round. I forgot to mention that there were no ports, the boat simply rides up to the coast and you have to jump out into the shallow water and make your way inland. Hadrin beach looked like it was ready to house the predicted 15,000 people but there were considerably less on that premature night and “I likey” as it was more chilled. A great place to meet people from all over the world and a terrible place to meet all those bogan aussies. We were introduced to an even more lethal bucket on Koh Pagnan. If memory serves me right I believe it was called Samsong or Sumsong. The key ingredient in my opinion has to be the red bull (well a cheaper imitation) which is poured from a flask that looks like it should house poison (which it probably was). You need at least two buckets before this concoction was drinkable. I didn’t feel drunk I felt drugged it’s a weird feeling, I came to a conclusion that I would lay off this stuff and go onto more traditional drinks. We ended up making our way to the hut around 9 am I wasn’t the slightest bit tired it was that poisonous red bull equivalent. We all managed to sleep but were awakened by a serious heat wave which made the hut a microwave, I was absolutely roasting, as fast as I was taking in fluids I was sweating it out. Probably the worst place to house a hangover. In writing this I am realizing that the Full Moon party involved a lot of alcohol. We woke up at 6 pm and set out on a mission to have nice food before the festivities began. Well one very small pizza later we went towards the beach. We met these two guys that were traveling, really nice straight shooter type of people. We chilled at a bar and talked as the party heated up. I felt like shit so I decided to hit the samsong to get me going. One bucket later I was firing on all cylinders and was ready for one more night of excess. The beach was packed, absolutely rammed. As I looked around I appreciated just how great it is to be a male. Our toilet was simply the ocean you could see a row of around 1000 men every one time using the ocean as a urinal. I couldn’t believe it when I saw skinny dippers splashing around in the water really close by. Also I couldn’t believe the amount of shameless people who were having “sexual relations” Bill Clinton style on the beach in front of everyone, I was hoping the Sun Newspaper would be doing an undercover operation where all this would be documented and the people shammed. Apart from that which did have it humorous side the party was great. I had body paints splashed all over me as well as a carefully drawn out Portuguese flag. The music was great as the each bar had a different sound blaring out on to the sandy beach. When you stood between two you felt like you were literally in no mans land. People a meter apart where dancing completely different, what I mean is to different beats. Looking at all the psychedelic moves I was wondering how future generations will be dancing, I felt ridiculous how can this be dancing. Waving arms around, you know which dance moves I mean and we have all be criminally involved.

Knowing that the sweat box hut was waiting Mark and I decided to head back to Samui to the much nicer air conditioned room. We took the fast boat, it really was fast as the name suggested shaving 25 mins off the slow boat journey time. Off to Samui were we slept for 20 hours. Our diet took a turn for the worst we ate mainly shit from 7 – 11. Something I do not want to repeat especially as Thailand has amazing cuisine. Can I point out that I knew before traveling that Weli liked cake and milk and he could eat at all hours. But Mark is something else out so much so I can not watch anymore. Eating at all hours of the day crisps, biscuits and main meals. If there are 200 biscuits he will eat 200 biscuits if there are 10 he will eat 10. Its constant eating pot noodles, crisps, biscuits and general snacks. I always say Mark how can you do this but the kids in denial what can I say he says he has self control and can stop whenever he wants. I gave a clear Pringle case which occurred not too long ago. Once you pop you really cant stop, I would say that the pringle test is a great example of self control. 2 tubes in 2 hours, yeah Mark great self control.

The next day we took the coach upto Bangkok to meet Arts and his parents. We arrived pretty early so I decided to walk around Bangkok with Mark while Weli went to bed in the worst accommodation money couldn’t buy. We saw the monks doing their morning rounds for sustenance i.e. money and food from the people. We walked past the grand palace and kept going through markets and away from Koh Sahn Road. We then made our way to the hotel that Mark had stayed with his parents the last time he was here “Shangrila Hotel” for a breakfast. It was great, we ate along the river and enjoyed a buffet breakfast with all the food we could eat.

Art’s parents had planned a weekend in Pataya a beach resort an hour from Bangkok. Pataya was really nice, the beach was pretty small and I guess it is its close proximity to Bangkok which makes it a perfect weekend getaway. We stayed at an amazing 5 star called the Dusit Thai overlooking the beach. Its dangerous staying in 5 star hotels as we found out the hard way as it is very hard to return to normal housing and accommodation hahaha. Well not much to say about Pataya, it was a more relaxing weekend. We did go to a shooting range with Art’s father to shoot Berettas. That was one heck of an experience you cannot imagine the amount of recoil making films like double impact starring van dame very unreal. Of course I got a better score than Weli which we managed to argue about for hours on end. With Art’s parents they made sure we experienced the Thai cuisine and all its great flavours it had to offer. After Pataya we went back to Bangkok. Again Arts showed us around, on the Monday we visited the Grand Palace which in my opinion be included in the list of the wonders of the world. That night we went for a coffee at a really typical thai place as well as scouring yet another night bazaar. This one was a lot bigger than Chiangmai as to be expected. The following day we drove out of town to visit a floating market. I loved the floating market experience a must do when visiting Thailand. We ate and shopped at the same time, something very right and wrong at the same time. The old ladies would grab onto our boat and pull there boats closer. They would put fruits etc in our faces and give us an elevated price which we would try our best to barter down.

Now the world is very small but when you are in a floating market an hour away from Bamgkok and you come across people you met in Dubai. Did I mention this was not arranged, this was pure chance we met Ahmed Habib, one of Habib Jihad school friends. How weird is that! The last days in Bangkok were creeping up on us. The last day involved plenty of packing and checking out. I made a mistake about the flight to Hanoi for some reason we decided to go to the airport 4 hours early, we just made the flight. Off to Vietnam.

Hope this keeps many of you hard working people busy.